Chapter 14: April 2016
April 01, 2016 - 1458 words - 8 mins Found a typo? Edit me
To Appear or to Be
We can appear as many things and act in so many possible ways… to the point, perhaps, of clouding the true self. What is this self really if not the sea of its continuous appearances? We can appear at all times, but could we truly be what we appear to be?
The problem of identity arises when our appearance confronts our sense of being. That’s when our main inner conflict arises. Are we more than constantly evolving appearances where adaptation is linked to survival? What are we really if not the simple feeling that distinguishes us from our surroundings, referring to other beings?
Do we have a greater right to consider ourselves special or something more than simple living beings? Who can assure us every morning when we wake up that we are not just a product of some experiment, where in reality and memory, we have nothing more than some pre-programmed memory ready to observe our behavior?
Sometimes we will doubt even who we are, what we are seeking, or simply what we hope to find. Could doubt themselves be their own answers?
So Many
There are so many things to do and so many wishes to fulfill. So many sighs still waiting for their moment as we take turns with our restlessness, letting it guide us to the paths we will eventually shape.
So much haste, so much unused joy, so many undeserved tears, and other forgotten stories.
Our perception of reality is so different and so dependent on ourselves that we couldn’t even be aware of the countless varieties and their different qualities so distinct from each other.
A scorching sensation that confuses us when we let our guard down. An alarming emotion that accompanies us in its unveiled conformity. Intuition that leaves no trace of its passage. Longed-for relief, as well as missed, in complicated times.
So many goals, so much future, so many stories… that we might even end up forgetting where we come from and where we are going. Feeling the desire for a pause. Feel the confusion of not knowing what we need to know now, lost in these moments of entangled reality.
There is still so much to tell and to live, so much to know and to desire, so much… that we hope everything will turn out well when the time comes.
Constants
We are a silent constant of ideas. Constantly dependent, to a greater extent, on what we do not desire but have somehow suffered. Not desiring is not the same as not having desired, just as not wanting to have suffered does not imply not having done so.
Time is undoubtedly the greatest unknown in its truth: extreme relativism, the change of stages… Finding ourselves to lose ourselves moments later. Having ourselves and fearing what we might miss again.
Feeling how the whole and its preference tend toward the purest and most arbitrary abstraction. Experiencing how our thoughts are nothing more than immature fruits and that, come the day, any unexpected storm could tear them away without any remorse.
Remembering that stage where hope directed and guided us like a mother concerned for her children, but what do we really know about this after all?
Remembering nothing more than the longed-for illusion, perhaps its mere nostalgia, perhaps years and years naked like the time that did nothing but accompany us without real intentions. Jet-black purposes rest on the purest longing for sincerity towards and with ourselves. For us, eternal constants are destined for continuous transformation alongside our change.
Let’s Talk Again
Realizing what prevented us from feeling beyond suffering, in the continuous doubt of not knowing which direction to take. Faltering again and again until possible fatigue is long forgotten. I sincerely wish to end this uncomfortable feeling of anonymous confusion.
Caressing the farewell, unable to foresee the chaos and its impending disturbance towards our person. Foolish helplessness.
Teaching ourselves over and over again, so many times even the same things. Stumbling and falling with and without shame, as if we were searching for our own limits that we once thought were nonexistent; oh, how wrong we were.
There are so many things certain and so many not so clear… But what I think we learned was to discern, at least, what truly overwhelmed us: the loss of control over the situation, not knowing what to do or how to react after faltering in all our failed attempts to achieve what was entrusted to us.
The simple idea of doubt about our doubts will be decisive if we let it sprout. Could everything return to what it once was? It will, of course, it will. Let’s be again.
It’s Time to
It’s time to say “goodbye” to so many things. Feel like nomads in our lives searching for that feeling of fulfillment where the senses desire beyond themselves and feel part of the whole with their fellow beings.
It’s time to start saying “goodbye” to so many things. In our overcoming, we grew and did not want and do not want to allow that loss of control that could make us lose our heads, finding ourselves in continuous dissatisfaction for more time than we could desire.
It’s time to be aware that we should start saying “goodbye” to many things. Not in vain; everything learned will remain, as it will be written from now until the day we decide and grow by choosing to be.
It’s time to decide on changes for and with ourselves, with the purpose of their creation being the reason for it. Feeling unable to endure so much makes us ultimately capable of tolerating to a greater extent, but that was not our original intention. The feeling towards the external should not be greater than the internal, as our trace and appearance will depend, directly conditioned, on our most intimate self.
The time will come when the decisions made will carry such a high degree of importance, possibly even changing the course of what we established in the past months for the coming ones. And there is still so much for us to be wrong about and to change…
It is indeed true, as it should already be well known, that in the pure abstraction of errors, as well as successes, decisions we make are in common to the best of our abilities. There will be no better attitude than what we see with our eyes.
We shouldn’t do many things and do many others that we should. It is time to decide what responsibilities we want to be accountable for and at what cost, but above all, what level and what goals we can achieve.
It’s time to welcome so many others and to become aware of the changes at these levels that could initially exceed any youthful perspective.
What Could It Be?
What could it be that hasn’t yet occurred? Letting ourselves be carried away by emotions, allowing ourselves to act without greater intentions… Experiencing that tingling sensation, those eager butterflies seeking protagonism. Eight months have passed since we last saw each other in person. That’s the reality of living abroad.
Tomorrow we will wake up again in Berlin, but we will sleep in our warm homeland where we were born. Where the family awaits what will be the long-awaited moment of a new shared reunion after so much time.
What could it be that hasn’t yet occurred? After truly experiencing everything, I would even dare to say “reborn,” having been in any manner. I wouldn’t want to think too much at these moments but rather release the words that come to mind moments before falling asleep before this brief return journey. And I feel the urgent need to write just a few hours before departing on this flight. It will be a week loaded with so many emotions that I hope nerves don’t betray us and that we can channel them gradually.
Knowing myself, and in the little that I still know about myself, I am sure it will be an unforgettable week. One of many weeks that we still have to travel and tell…
I’m looking forward to seeing my uncles, my father, my cousins, all of them: my family in general. But especially, I’m eager to see and embrace my brothers and sisters, whom I miss so much every day. I just hope that they can understand someday the meaning of all this, that they comprehend this motivation and apply it not only in theory.
I don’t want to go into more detail today. It’s time to rest because tomorrow will be a great day: the beginning of an unforgettable week.