Never ending loop

It is hard sometimes to get to bed with the mind blank because, more often than not, I think about my next reading, learning, talk, or what I will write this or next month.

It is funny to remind that eight years ago, I stayed up for hours until all kinds of thoughts got out on paper, so I used to write one or more of them every week. Sometimes innocent thoughts came to my brain and didn’t let me sleep properly. Sometimes deep and full of worry that reflected how I struggled with certain situations that I was living in or remembering from my past youth.

I kept writing for three years; I wrote a lot —another format than I usually do today; a deep and personal book about my thoughts and feelings with the primary motivation of reading them later and doing some retrospectives to help me understand myself better. Nowadays, I like to mix my passion around software quality and people puzzles to achieve true excellence in my profession, always aiming for an honest and healthy egoism of helping others that could help me later. The better the people around me are, the better they will help others and me.

Back then, I used to write about my current and past feelings, always with a touch of illusion wanting to express myself differently for my future self. I remember clearly, in the beginning, I wanted the main readers to be my siblings, my family, to know how I was doing so far away from all of them —after migrating to another country, far away from my family. However, as the months passed by, the main reader changed to be no one but myself.

I spent hours on each thought, page, chapter… Drafting the initial idea and then reading it out loud once, twice, again, and again the day afterward. Helping this way to discover that part of myself that tried to reflect what was going on inside.

I can see some similarities nowadays. However, I no longer see the need to write about those deep old past thoughts because they healed. Instead, I can reflect and see how they did and how.

Writing is one of my favorite ways to express myself, especially when I cannot sleep. It reminds me of those years, and I think greatly about the incredible evolution since then.

Original photos from my trip to Tuscany, Italy, last month.

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